When you just have to wait.
For the past 3 years I have heard the same, infuriating 2 words over and over again… just wait. When I cried out to God asking him to give me another job… just wait. When each month came, revealing that I still wasn’t pregnant… just wait. When I kept hearing another pair of painful words from so many friends, relatives, and co-workers... ‘We’re pregnant!’, I would desperately ask God why and He’d respond… just wait.
Those words were hard, they were repetitive, and they were annoying. I wanted God’s response to change. I wanted Him to say, NOW! YES! You got it!... and while I was thankful to hear the voice of my Lord, gently speaking to my heart… I hated it. … just wait.
Growing Pains
It was not all horrible. Yes, my heart pricked when people would ask me if I wanted to have a baby, I would gently answer, ‘we’re trying!’ and most questions stopped there. But I functioned, and I prayed a lot. My husband and I prayed every night, my family prayed, my friends prayed, and church prayed. I read blogs, and Instagram posts and prayed for all these other sweet sisters using #ttc (trying to conceive). My heart softened in a way I never expected, who knew there was so much pain for so many women and men who struggle with infertility! I was raised hearing, ‘the second you have sex you’ll be pregnant!’. I now realize that was more of a threat trying to keep teenagers abstinent than actual truth, but still, I really thought that’s how it worked.*
*note: that's not how it works!
Throughout this time my faith grew, my trust and dependence on God grew, my longing and need for the gentle presence of Jesus grew! My community grew. I connected with women in my church, friends, who had battled, or were battling the same thing I was- and it helped. It helped to tell each other when our periods came. We gave each other support and love, knowing what that meant. Sometime we sent jokes, or just ‘THIS SUCKSSS!!, and that helped too. It was hard wait, it still is a wait for me.. but in the meantime, God has worked some mighty miracles for me.
The Answer Before the Prayer
Only 2 years after my husband and I were married, we found out that our nephew, who had just turned 4, needed a home. We hadn’t thought of parenting yet, and didn’t really consider ourselves until my Mom suggested it, we were only 25 and didn’t have a house yet- but we both agreed easily because we loved Aiden so much. Thankfully, we have always been a part of his life. I even got to hold Aiden right after he was born. As soon as I held him, a wave of love and a desire to protect and teach him swept over me. I remember thinking, ‘funny- I didn’t think you felt immediate love like that with nieces and nephews’, and now I know why. He was never just a nephew to me, he was always my son.. he just took 4 years to get to me. Aiden was our first miracle, and he is amazing!
"As soon as I held him, a wave of love and a desire to protect and teach him swept over me..."
So we prayed and asked God that if Aiden was meant to be with us, that it would happen soon. Less than 1 month later...he was in our home! Just a few weeks after that, he settled into calling us Mom and Dad and God has blessed our family, our marriage, and our hearts tremendously since then.
Once Aiden was with us, we decided to have a baby! .... and that’s when the infertility journey began. Each month we excepted it to happen, but it didn't. Since we were both young I wasn't too concerned, but my master plan of having babies back-to-back like my Momma did, wasn't working out. Aiden was already 4 years old so I was in a hurry to keep those babies close in age.
After one year of trying I went to get checked out. I was fine. My husband got checked out. He was fine. My uterus got checked out... and I don't want to brag but the Doctor said I have a ‘textbook perfect uterus’. ;)
So we again asked God why?! … just wait.
When my sister told me she was pregnant (after trying for like, 2 seconds) I knew she was nervous. She didn’t want me be to be hurt, to be angry, to be upset. God’s grace is so vast, His love is so immense, I can honestly say He helped me experience nothing but joy for my sister. Now I did have to pray for that joy- but He gave it to me. As teenagers a man at church once prayed over us saying, 'there will be no competition between you', and I honestly believe that was a big part of this moment.
Still, my sister and I both mourned the fact that we would not have babies at the same time, our lifelong dream. So we both hoped the next time we’d have babies together, and I hoped she’d have another baby soon after this one!
Earlier this year I felt God stirring me to share my struggle. To share my pain on social media, but always couple it with the hope, love, and peace the Father gives. So I did. I began to share. I also felt a stirring for adoption, the traditional kind. My husband and I prayed, I researched, and we had conversations with agencies. I even prayed for a sign and literally saw a sign on the highway saying, “Consider Adoption”- I was sold! I wanted to go all in right away, but my wise husband knew to wait. So ‘just wait’ we did. We prayed for God to make a way, speaking to Him, saying, ‘if you want us to adopt, we need you to make it happen.’
The Answer After the Prayer
4 months later it was Mother’s Day. I was celebrating with my family, my very pregnant sister, and my amazing husband and handsome 7-year-old son. I felt very blessed, but also hopeful. Staying true to my mission of sharing infertility pain and hope on social media, I shared a photo of me and my boys and posted this message:
Celebrating Mother's Day and the boy who made me a mother. Happy Aiden-versary!! [the day Aiden became ours] It's been 3 wonderful years of being a mom to this sweet boy. I'm forever thankful to the Lord for this privilege and honor. How gracious and kind God is! How amazing that I am able to celebrate this day even though I haven't been able to get pregnant yet. The Lord is good and kind and loving!! Take hope and joy in the gifts you have today, as an aunt, friend, mentor or role model to the beautiful little people in your life. Never stop believing and never stop praying. #havehope #ttc #mothersday #infertility #love #Jesus #prayerworks #staystrong #joy #bethankful #Godisgood
Only a few hours later, I received a message from a relative that would again, change our lives forever.
‘‘We are going to do adoption, and we wanted to ask you…’
It was like time froze, I was on a horse carriage ride, getting a history lesson about Lexington, Virginia... and GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYER. Yes! We said Yes! And in just a few short weeks, our newest child, a baby boy will join our family. We have a name, Silas Jay Morton, and we have a message. God is good. God can be trusted. God is always faithful. His ways are perfect. So loved one, keep the hope. Keep the faith. Keep your Joy. He is always working for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
‘Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.’ (Ephesians 3:20)
Now, I am still hoping and expected that I will convince and I believe God for it (come on baby girl!), but I realize God’s hand in my story... and how everything is for a reason. I know everyone has a different story, God just wants to direct it. It’s so important to listen to Him and follow Him, even when it seems crazy. My story proves that His way is better, just think…
If I had been able to conceive right away… I would probably not be adopting this precious boy!
If I had not have been obedient to God’s voice and begun posting and being more verbal about my struggle with infertility… Silas’ amazing birth mom would never know how we longed for another child!
If we had not begun to look into adoption, preparing our hearts, our family, and our finances...It would be a more difficult transition.
If I had not rejoiced with my sister through her pregnancy… I would have missed out on so much and felt ashamed at myself for not trusting the Lord to come through when He did. Now I can celebrate that we will have babies only a month apart!
If we had not accepted our nephew, keeping good relationships… this adoption would not be an option.
If I had of pushed through, ignoring God’s call on me to wait, and gone for the fertility treatments… I may have gained a biological child, but I would probably not be gaining this child, and would not have the money for this adoption.
If I would have left my job when I was most frustrated with it, instead of waiting and listing to the Lord… I would be missing out on my amazing maternity and adoption benefits and current position, which is perfect for me now.
As for those 2 words… just wait. I now realize there wasn’t a period at the end of those words, but an explanation point! … just wait! God was saying to me.. and He is to you, “Just wait! Just wait for the adventure I have in store for you, my precious daughter!”
Blessings and Joy!
-Anna
